Three Struggles With How Churches Teach on Marriage

There are a few long-standing struggles I have with how many churches teach about marriage—particularly when it comes to male authority, headship, and the command for wives to submit. These teachings are often presented as biblical truth, yet the framework frequently misses the heart of Jesus and the way God defines leadership, power, and oneness.

Here are three of the biggest tensions I continue to wrestle with.

—

1. Leadership Is Rarely Defined the Way God Defines It

One of my greatest struggles with Christian teachings on male authority and headship is how little attention is given to how God defines leadership.

Biblically, leadership is not about control, dominance, or hierarchy. Godly leadership looks like this:

• Laying one’s life down
• Serving sacrificially and unselfishly
• Walking in integrity
• Using power to empower others

Godly leadership does not subjugate—it elevates.

Jesus modeled this perfectly. Those under Jesus’ authority became stronger, wiser, and more capable. They were sent out to do what they had seen modeled—not to fetch things or cower under commands. Leadership in the Kingdom produces growth, not fear.

This version of leadership sounds nothing like:

“I am your King. Submit, peasants.”

Yet too often, that is how authority is practically lived out in Christian marriages.

—

2. The Diminishing of Women’s Leadership, Wisdom, and Skill

Another deep struggle is how these teachings often diminish the leadership, knowledge, and competence of women.

A woman may have known Jesus her entire life. She may be wise in Scripture, finances, leadership, emotional intelligence, and managing a household. Meanwhile, the man she marries may know far less or possess fewer skills—yet she is told to submit to him simply because he is male.

This is not mutual yielding (the part of Ephesians many teachings skip over).

Instead, she is often asked to shrink.

Her voice is softened.
Her authority is surrendered.
Her discernment is overridden.

Over time, she becomes smaller, quieter, and less powerful—not because God designed it that way, but because theology demanded it.

—

3. A Lack of Accountability—and Protection—for Women

The final struggle is perhaps the most painful.

From my perspective, churches often fail to hold men fully accountable—especially within the home.

The pattern frequently looks like this:

• “Just forgive him.”
• He is removed from leadership at church for a season.
• Meanwhile, at home, the damage continues.

A man may still be emotionally destructive. A wife’s confidence, sense of safety, or heart may already be shattered. Yet the message remains:

“God put him in charge.”

She is told to pray.
She is told to submit.
She is told God will help her endure.

Protection for women is minimal. If she leaves or divorces, she becomes the sinner—regardless of the harm endured.

This framework does not reflect the heart of Jesus.

—

Jesus Is the Filter—Always

Jesus is the model, not cultural interpretations of authority.

Even the apostle Paul made it clear: “Follow me as I follow Christ.” Every part of Scripture must be filtered through the life, teachings, and character of Jesus.

When theology produces fear, silence, powerlessness, or harm, something is off.

I know these words may not change the system—but perhaps they will cause someone to pause, question, and rethink how marriage is taught in the church.

💛

—

Words of Jesus on Leadership, Authority, and Oneness

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
—Matthew 19:5

“Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant.”
—Matthew 20:26

“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.”
—Mark 10:45

“Listen carefully: I have given you authority… nothing will in any way harm you. Nevertheless do not rejoice at this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are recorded in heaven.”
—Luke 10:19–20

Authority in the Kingdom was never meant to crush. It was meant to protect, serve, and bring life.

—

Want to Go Deeper?

If these reflections resonate, Relationships 101: Foundational Wisdom for Better Relationships explores these ideas more deeply—offering practical, Jesus-centered wisdom for healthier, stronger, and more equitable relationships.

⭐ 5-star rated
📘 Featured at the 2025 London Book Fair

👉 Get your copy here:
https://a.co/d/09MntLnu

Love,

Erin L Lamb