I’ve spent years of my life assisting others via prayer, mentoring, discipleship, free counseling, community service, and friendship. I have served when I was in mountain top seasons and valley seasons. I have loved and served people who would betray me or abandon me for petty reasons. I provided for others when I needed assistance. There are people who may clap for this form of service. I learned that it was depleting my soul. I learned God did not desire I give the best of me away to people who would use, abuse, neglect, abandon, or betray. Despite what Christian culture was teaching, I grew to believe that God loved me more than what was presented to me by Christians.

I had a choice to make. I could remain the same or change. There are typically two motivators for change for humans; reward or pain. I believe pain is the greatest of the two because if the cut is deep enough, it transforms us into someone different.

When I first started playing guitar, my finger pads were soft and squishy. Over time, there were callouses that formed. The soft and squishy skin became something rough and able to withstand the pressing of hard strings against my skin. I believe over the years and navigation through challenging relationships with people created callouses on my heart. I still love people, yet I am not soft the way I was. I am no longer bound by toxic loyalty to those who can easily walk away from me. I am no longer giving people dozens of opportunities to reveal they do not care about anyone but themselves. I am no longer giving the best of my time, energy, life, or resources to the entitled or ungrateful.

Pain can be a profound teacher. It taught me to limit the level of access people have to my life. It’s taught me that every person who claims to love me or Jesus is not speaking from a place of truth, even if they believe it is truth. I often wonder if Judas believed he loved Jesus.

It is prudent to understand that love seeks to do no harm to others. Making statements about love is not the same as actually loving. I learned that Christian “nice” is not the same as agape love. I learned politics mattered more to people than I do. I learned that lonely people will take up loads of your time and when they no longer have need of you, they will throw you away or say-“I have nothing in common with you.” Your love and investment will not matter. Their greatest concern is self.

Pain taught me to examine exactly what I desire in people connected to my life instead of primarily focusing on what I can offer others. I learned that selflessness not coupled with wisdom can bankrupt the soul. It is careless to have an abundance of people who have access to us. I also learned there are people like Judas who are willing to sit at your table while planning your demise. Therefore, it is wisdom to pray to God for wisdom regarding every relationship.

My encouragement to you is that you are only stuck if you believe that you are stuck. You can change. I did. You can shift your life from so so and mismatched connections to compatible relationships where you can thrive. I do not believe we were intended to merely survive life. I believe we are destined to thrive. I believe God desires His best for us. You do not have to remain the same. Look at your life and examine what is fruit bearing versus taking up time while lacking substance. Ask yourself if you are the giver while most relationships are with consumers. Look around at your surroundings and ask yourself if you are encouraged, inspired, becoming more like Jesus, growing in a positive way, loved, cherished, appreciated, celebrated, or if you are planted someplace where your roots are drying up from neglect.

One of my favorite quotes is, “If a flower does not bloom, fix the environment not the flower.” There are good people and places. Good is the enemy of great. Do you want great? Or mediocre? Do you desire to grow or remain the same?

I have plants in my home that are currently root bound. They cannot grow past their current environment. Some I placed on the second floor and due to lack of light, they began to die. You and I can shrivel up in the wrong environment and in connections with the wrong people. It does not mean they are bad people, they are simply not the proper connections for our destiny.

Staying where we don’t belong is a choice. Leaving is a choice. The key is we have a choice. If we desire a different outcome, we must make different choices. I’ve made choices to cease listening to the counsel of “Christians” who promote toxic relationships and to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. I made choices to remove access for hundreds of people to my personal life. I made the choice to cease over investing in people and places that do not value who I am. I made the choice to be someone different, less accessible, and less open to befriending just anyone. To some callouses are bad. I believe they are necessary to provide a layer of protection for us from those who have destructive tendencies. The softest parts of us belong with safe people, not everyone. The most vulnerable parts of our lives are for God and those who are committed to love us, not just people from churches who proclaim love without the fruit of love.

I hope my next book, Relationships 101 assists people with walking in wisdom. I hope you purchase the book and learn from my mistakes as well as triumphs. I hope God uses my story and lessons learned to mitigate horror and trauma in relationships for other people. You are not stuck. You don’t need to live a mediocre life. Settling is a choice! Change your choices, change your life.

Join my business website to be the first to have access to the new book! Empowered-Free.com.

You are also invited to join my April webinar on finding freedom from financial trauma. Unhealed trauma can lead to poor decisions regarding finances. Learn how I doubled my net worth in a short period of time and how you can find freedom in your finances today. Seats are limited…https://www.empowered-free.com/event-info/healing-financial-trauma.

Warmly,

Erin Lamb