Tag: life change

Relationships 101 Book Coming…

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Looking back over my life, I’ve made decisions to love people far more than they’ve loved or demonstrated to me. This sacrificial, never demanding reciprocation type, love was applauded by Christians around me. What I learned was (overall) there were not as many people looking out for my best interests on a consistent basis, nor my well-being, my mental/emotional health, or even what I desired out of relationships.

The guidance was, “If you do all these sacrificial things for the church, community, or other people…God will take care of you. God will meet all your needs. Therefore, you should be proud that you invest so much of your self in others while expecting nothing in return.”

It sounds so lovely! Part is true; another part forsakes wisdom.

Love is not selfish. Love pursues the highest good for others. Love does what is honoring. The part that is missing is God is not requiring us to be friends with, date, or marry people who are consumers in our lives. The “God is so proud of you, yet ask nothing of me in return,” is a way for people to make sure they or their church/ministry are benefited with little to no requirements to do anything in return. The lie told is that “you are doing this for God so it’s what God wants for you.”

I have learned throughout my life plenty of people put God’s name on what benefits their best interests and desires. God desires you serve until you’re burned out, instead of God provides you with a brain and wisdom. Therefore, examine what is reasonable and do not over extend yourself. God desires you give as much money as you can to the church and God will repay you. Truth is that church or ministry desires your funds and only if you give with the right motives will it be credited to you. You are not to give under compulsion.

The truth is as follows: God actually desires that we are in healthy, reciprocal relationships that are life giving. God desires we are loved in return. In a friendship, dating, or marriage there should be some reciprocation, mutual investment, mutual respect and care.

There is a difference between ministry, charity, and a friendship. Ministry and charity involve serving in many capacities without receiving anything in return. A relationship is a partnership of two people who mutually invest, support, and give love. It’s not intended to be persistent one sidedness in dating, friendship, or marriage. Yes, there may be a season or seasons where people cannot reciprocate; they are sick, deployed somewhere else, or they cannot invest any time/love/support. It is abnormal to be connected in relationships with people who do nothing but receive (unless it is a baby/child).

What about God? Does He give to us expecting nothing in return. People say “God expects nothing.” In relationship with God, God asks for faithfulness, faith, love, loyalty, that we listen to sound guidance, to go through His Son, and for our entire lives. God loves everyone! God is NOT in a relationship with everyone. Jesus ministered to many people with deep love who never chose Him. They never reciprocated love. They never turned towards Him. And while people will tell you that those people are in a relationship with Jesus, God does not force connection. Jesus said, “whoever desires to be my disciple must deny themselves, pick up their cross and follow me.” Meaning, “I am requiring something of you to be in relationship with me.”

Though people say you cannot waste time, any love you give cannot and is not wasted, I disagree. I do believe if we love with pure intentions there is reward from God. I also believe we can waste our own time by dating the wrong people, befriending the wrong people, and marrying the wrong person. I have had copious client’s suffering through horrible relationships; they are stressed, burned out, and depressed.

I do not believe God ordains all these tumultuous relationships to teach people something or break them down so far they cry out for help. I think humans, myself included, choose people or allow people to choose us who are not for our greatest good. Once in the relationship there is a desire for God to bless it. Yes, there is one known relationship I’ve read of in the Bible where God encouraged a prophet to marry someone we would not consider marriage material. I don’t believe God is ordaining every dysfunctional relationship.

I hope my next book, Relationships 101, helps people to forgo wasting their time, energy, gifts, heart with people who will not properly steward those things. The plan is to launch the book later this year!

God wants the best, not sub par relationships for you!

Warmly,

Erin Lamb

Transformation (The Old Must Go in Order to Grow)

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I’ve spent years of my life assisting others via prayer, mentoring, discipleship, free counseling, community service, and friendship. I have served when I was in mountain top seasons and valley seasons. I have loved and served people who would betray me or abandon me for petty reasons. I provided for others when I needed assistance. There are people who may clap for this form of service. I learned that it was depleting my soul. I learned God did not desire I give the best of me away to people who would use, abuse, neglect, abandon, or betray. Despite what Christian culture was teaching, I grew to believe that God loved me more than what was presented to me by Christians.

I had a choice to make. I could remain the same or change. There are typically two motivators for change for humans; reward or pain. I believe pain is the greatest of the two because if the cut is deep enough, it transforms us into someone different.

When I first started playing guitar, my finger pads were soft and squishy. Over time, there were callouses that formed. The soft and squishy skin became something rough and able to withstand the pressing of hard strings against my skin. I believe over the years and navigation through challenging relationships with people created callouses on my heart. I still love people, yet I am not soft the way I was. I am no longer bound by toxic loyalty to those who can easily walk away from me. I am no longer giving people dozens of opportunities to reveal they do not care about anyone but themselves. I am no longer giving the best of my time, energy, life, or resources to the entitled or ungrateful.

Pain can be a profound teacher. It taught me to limit the level of access people have to my life. It’s taught me that every person who claims to love me or Jesus is not speaking from a place of truth, even if they believe it is truth. I often wonder if Judas believed he loved Jesus.

It is prudent to understand that love seeks to do no harm to others. Making statements about love is not the same as actually loving. I learned that Christian “nice” is not the same as agape love. I learned politics mattered more to people than I do. I learned that lonely people will take up loads of your time and when they no longer have need of you, they will throw you away or say-“I have nothing in common with you.” Your love and investment will not matter. Their greatest concern is self.

Pain taught me to examine exactly what I desire in people connected to my life instead of primarily focusing on what I can offer others. I learned that selflessness not coupled with wisdom can bankrupt the soul. It is careless to have an abundance of people who have access to us. I also learned there are people like Judas who are willing to sit at your table while planning your demise. Therefore, it is wisdom to pray to God for wisdom regarding every relationship.

My encouragement to you is that you are only stuck if you believe that you are stuck. You can change. I did. You can shift your life from so so and mismatched connections to compatible relationships where you can thrive. I do not believe we were intended to merely survive life. I believe we are destined to thrive. I believe God desires His best for us. You do not have to remain the same. Look at your life and examine what is fruit bearing versus taking up time while lacking substance. Ask yourself if you are the giver while most relationships are with consumers. Look around at your surroundings and ask yourself if you are encouraged, inspired, becoming more like Jesus, growing in a positive way, loved, cherished, appreciated, celebrated, or if you are planted someplace where your roots are drying up from neglect.

One of my favorite quotes is, “If a flower does not bloom, fix the environment not the flower.” There are good people and places. Good is the enemy of great. Do you want great? Or mediocre? Do you desire to grow or remain the same?

I have plants in my home that are currently root bound. They cannot grow past their current environment. Some I placed on the second floor and due to lack of light, they began to die. You and I can shrivel up in the wrong environment and in connections with the wrong people. It does not mean they are bad people, they are simply not the proper connections for our destiny.

Staying where we don’t belong is a choice. Leaving is a choice. The key is we have a choice. If we desire a different outcome, we must make different choices. I’ve made choices to cease listening to the counsel of “Christians” who promote toxic relationships and to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. I made choices to remove access for hundreds of people to my personal life. I made the choice to cease over investing in people and places that do not value who I am. I made the choice to be someone different, less accessible, and less open to befriending just anyone. To some callouses are bad. I believe they are necessary to provide a layer of protection for us from those who have destructive tendencies. The softest parts of us belong with safe people, not everyone. The most vulnerable parts of our lives are for God and those who are committed to love us, not just people from churches who proclaim love without the fruit of love.

I hope my next book, Relationships 101 assists people with walking in wisdom. I hope you purchase the book and learn from my mistakes as well as triumphs. I hope God uses my story and lessons learned to mitigate horror and trauma in relationships for other people. You are not stuck. You don’t need to live a mediocre life. Settling is a choice! Change your choices, change your life.

Join my business website to be the first to have access to the new book! Empowered-Free.com.

You are also invited to join my April webinar on finding freedom from financial trauma. Unhealed trauma can lead to poor decisions regarding finances. Learn how I doubled my net worth in a short period of time and how you can find freedom in your finances today. Seats are limited…https://www.empowered-free.com/event-info/healing-financial-trauma.

Warmly,

Erin Lamb