Tag: new book

Understanding Mutual Love in Relationships

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Photo: Erin Lamb Author 2024

If you’re like me, you were taught to love other people-even at the expense of yourself. Love was modeled in a sacrificial way; it was viewed as selfish to desire anything in return. We were taught to be the “givers” in relationships. No one taught me directly that God desired mutuality in my relationships with other people or at church. The more you offered of yourself, the more people clapped. God was to meet your needs while you were meeting the needs of others. One day it dawned on me, “If I am to get all my needs met by God, why can’t these other people do the same?”

I’ve encountered a number of women in my lifetime who view themselves as “the help” or “the helper.” People read Genesis and tell women they are the “helper” to man. From the translation of the Bible into English until today, women have been considered “the help.” Actually, it began the moment Adam sinned. God warned Eve that Adam would seek to rule over her (because of sin) and she would seek to please him (because of sin). It was not God’s original design. Nor did God name Eve “the helper.” He called her ezer kenegdo. Which has a far more meaningful and powerful definition.

Ezer kenegdo: [Genesis 2:18 can be translated as “I will make a power [or strength] corresponding to man.”…What God had intended, then, was to make a “power” or “strength” for the man who would in every way “correspond to him” or even “be his equal.””]-God’s Word to Women.

I’ve worked with countless women in relationships with men who treat them as their subordinate or they use weaponized incompetence (they pretend they are unable to do certain tasks so their wives are overwhelmed with household tasks or caring for their kids). Mistreating women, treating them as inferior is seen as “normal” or “God’s idea,” when it’s not. The mistreatment of any human being can be tied back to sin. Selfishness is sin. Sexism is sin. Treating people like they are our slaves is not love. God is love.

I love that Jesus told his disciples to not be like the leaders in the world who seek to rule over others, that the greatest among them would be a servant. Jesus encouraged MUTUAL love, MUTUAL respect, and agape love (unselfish, sacrificial love). The intention was not that in all our relationships we would behave and love like Jesus while everyone else gets to be Judas. Jesus had genuine friendships: Mary, Martha, John and several women supported his ministry financially. He loved the entire world, yet only a few demonstrated that love in return.

I had to learn from God that the desire of His heart was not for me to have more people similar to Judas and Saul sitting around my table. He actually desired there would be people who value me the person, not how I can mentor them for free, invest in their lives with zero reciprocation, give while they consume, or to be in cycles of mistreatment. I had to learn that love without wisdom can be likened to foolishness. I endured relationships with people who should have only been ministry opportunities, not friendships. People violated my trust, heart, time, investments in them, and then could easily skip off into the sunset. Some left quietly, while some insulted me on the way out the door.

I had to make a choice to keep enduring those types of relationships, or to step away from tables where I was either starving to death or being poisoned. It does not mean all those people were bad human beings. It means they were not and are not the right people for me. I made the decision that I desired God’s best in relationships. I continued to do ministry, and separated people I serve in a ministry capacity from my friends.

I changed. I had to change. I did not desire to get to the end of my life and not experience the best God had to offer. I was also tired of wishy washy, fair weather friends, people who only showed up for their needs/prayer, and when it was convenient for them. I wanted better. I desired better. I wanted to experience genuine God love in numerous relationships before I died. I also no longer wanted to waste the gifts or time God gave me on people who would not value what was given to them.

What has been the outcome? I have people in my life now or those who remained who show up simply to bless me. People who reach out to say, “How are you? What can I do for you? How can I pray for you?” I’ve been invited to beautiful luncheons, given free suite/box seats at sports events, promoted numerous times at my newest job, and my office has an entire section with cards from people with kind notes. I am valued. I am loved. I am appreciated. I am not “the help.” I don’t have to beg for respect, love, attention, affection, or support. It’s freely given. More doors of opportunity have opened. My health has improved. The warfare in my life has lessened. I have zero relational drama. I have fun! I feel a level of safety in the connections around me. I do not believe they are smiling in my face while discussing me negatively behind closed doors. I am not traumatized or in cycles of being mistreated and them asking for forgiveness. They know how to steward my heart.

If you genuinely love people, trust God desires to place people in your life who KNOW how to love you. Trust that God desires His best for you, not just for you to be the best for everyone else. God is good. I had to learn that God did not orchestrate every relationship I had-even with professing Christians. Some of the Christians I’ve encountered in my lifetime have treated me the worst. Then they show up years later with a sad apology. Are they forgiven? Yes! Do I desire them back in my life. NO! I’d prefer to be set on fire or run over by a bus 50 times. There are people we are called to pray for, forgive, and then MOVE ON!

I hope you pick up Relationships 101: Foundational Wisdom for Better Relationships. I put my heart and soul into this book. My two favorite chapters right now are “Get Wisdom,” and “A Healthy Relationship Starts with You.” We can have better. We can have genuine love. We can have thriving friendships. We can experience God love through another person. The first step is to receive God’s love for ourselves. The second is to stop settling for less than God’s best! I’ve yet to meet anyone grateful they settled in life. You don’t have to settle.

If you don’t know how to treat people, the book provides tools for you too.

Get your copy of Relationships 101 today: https://a.co/d/6XFZvyj

Love,

Erin Lamb

Founder & CEO of Lamb Enterprises LLC

Relationships 101 Book Coming…

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Looking back over my life, I’ve made decisions to love people far more than they’ve loved or demonstrated to me. This sacrificial, never demanding reciprocation type, love was applauded by Christians around me. What I learned was (overall) there were not as many people looking out for my best interests on a consistent basis, nor my well-being, my mental/emotional health, or even what I desired out of relationships.

The guidance was, “If you do all these sacrificial things for the church, community, or other people…God will take care of you. God will meet all your needs. Therefore, you should be proud that you invest so much of your self in others while expecting nothing in return.”

It sounds so lovely! Part is true; another part forsakes wisdom.

Love is not selfish. Love pursues the highest good for others. Love does what is honoring. The part that is missing is God is not requiring us to be friends with, date, or marry people who are consumers in our lives. The “God is so proud of you, yet ask nothing of me in return,” is a way for people to make sure they or their church/ministry are benefited with little to no requirements to do anything in return. The lie told is that “you are doing this for God so it’s what God wants for you.”

I have learned throughout my life plenty of people put God’s name on what benefits their best interests and desires. God desires you serve until you’re burned out, instead of God provides you with a brain and wisdom. Therefore, examine what is reasonable and do not over extend yourself. God desires you give as much money as you can to the church and God will repay you. Truth is that church or ministry desires your funds and only if you give with the right motives will it be credited to you. You are not to give under compulsion.

The truth is as follows: God actually desires that we are in healthy, reciprocal relationships that are life giving. God desires we are loved in return. In a friendship, dating, or marriage there should be some reciprocation, mutual investment, mutual respect and care.

There is a difference between ministry, charity, and a friendship. Ministry and charity involve serving in many capacities without receiving anything in return. A relationship is a partnership of two people who mutually invest, support, and give love. It’s not intended to be persistent one sidedness in dating, friendship, or marriage. Yes, there may be a season or seasons where people cannot reciprocate; they are sick, deployed somewhere else, or they cannot invest any time/love/support. It is abnormal to be connected in relationships with people who do nothing but receive (unless it is a baby/child).

What about God? Does He give to us expecting nothing in return. People say “God expects nothing.” In relationship with God, God asks for faithfulness, faith, love, loyalty, that we listen to sound guidance, to go through His Son, and for our entire lives. God loves everyone! God is NOT in a relationship with everyone. Jesus ministered to many people with deep love who never chose Him. They never reciprocated love. They never turned towards Him. And while people will tell you that those people are in a relationship with Jesus, God does not force connection. Jesus said, “whoever desires to be my disciple must deny themselves, pick up their cross and follow me.” Meaning, “I am requiring something of you to be in relationship with me.”

Though people say you cannot waste time, any love you give cannot and is not wasted, I disagree. I do believe if we love with pure intentions there is reward from God. I also believe we can waste our own time by dating the wrong people, befriending the wrong people, and marrying the wrong person. I have had copious client’s suffering through horrible relationships; they are stressed, burned out, and depressed.

I do not believe God ordains all these tumultuous relationships to teach people something or break them down so far they cry out for help. I think humans, myself included, choose people or allow people to choose us who are not for our greatest good. Once in the relationship there is a desire for God to bless it. Yes, there is one known relationship I’ve read of in the Bible where God encouraged a prophet to marry someone we would not consider marriage material. I don’t believe God is ordaining every dysfunctional relationship.

I hope my next book, Relationships 101, helps people to forgo wasting their time, energy, gifts, heart with people who will not properly steward those things. The plan is to launch the book later this year!

God wants the best, not sub par relationships for you!

Warmly,

Erin Lamb

It’s Been Awhile…

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It’s more challenging to blog without WordPress on my phone, yet making time today to write from my laptop. Life has shifted dramatically since I last penned a blog. My father has moved locally due to his health concerns. I was promoted to a leadership position in corporate and took on a staff of 8, now I have 5. My leadership responsibilities have expanded. Similar to previous seasons, I have not been seeking leadership opportunities. They’ve found me. Someone told me, “God must trust you.” I confess there are moments where I desire to whisper back to God, “You can trust me less.”

I spent last summer remodeling my house and upgrading things that were long overdue. Redecorating and remodeling brought more joy than I expected. Beyond the house things, I ventured to Hawaii last autumn and fell in love with the islands. What’s not to love? It lead me to invest in time share properties there so I can visit yearly if I’d like to do so. I took the leap to travel to Costa Rica this spring and fell head over heels for the people, the country, and the culture. Pura Vida is certainly a motto I brought home with me. It’s the pure life, the good life, and make the most of life.

I believe it’s imperative to make the most out of life. I share what I have been doing not to boast of the good. It’s hopefully to inspire you not to wait to live! I have spent a good portion of my life serving the church, leading bible studies, helping the poor, going on mission trips, giving the coat of my back to people in need. I gave until it hurt me. I mentored, loved, prayed, interceded, and attempted to share what God gave me. 2020 was a tremendous wake up call for me that I was investing more in loving people that I was in loving myself.

The people I so freely opened my life and heart to, would easily vacate my life over politics, face masks, or the social justice imbalances highlighted in society. I learned the people I had extended love, mercy, forgiveness, friendship, encouragement, and the best of me to, were not interested in loving me the way Jesus told them to…I was expected to love. They could do as they pleased.

God instructed me and you to love our neighbor’s AS we love ourselves, not MORE than we love ourselves. I was failing at loving myself with the same intensity and intentional focus as I was loving people in the church. I was showing up to serve when exhausted, hurting, in need, in pain, and putting others first. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do as “Good Christians”? I learned religion taught me things that God never intended to be. God expects we will take care of ourselves, set boundaries, have balance and love ourselves.

The journey since 2020 lead me to write…and though I have not been blogging, I have been journaling and writing books. The next book, which is currently finishing up and heading to editors, is focused on foundational wisdom for relationships. I include things I wish I knew earlier and insight from the past 8 years of doing soul healing sessions with people. There is nothing I can think of outside of disease that has derailed more lives and hearts than relationships. The people who’ve done the most damage in my life have been bible thumping Christians.

Sadly, a chunk of the counsel we are given in religious circles leads to toxic relationships and abuse. I know the pressure to stay connected to people who made my life hell or they added zero value. I was encouraged to give everyone access and friendship, that forgives means reconciliation, and I was not to consider what I needed in connections. All of that guidance is incorrect.

“A companion of fools suffers harm,”-Proverbs 13:20.

“Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people,”- Proverbs 22:24.

“He who walks with the wise will become wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed.”-add’l view of Proverbs 13:20.

God actually cares who we connect ourselves with and intended for relationships to be mutually beneficial, not one sided. Relationships were designed by God so we could experience the love of God through another person. God desires we have relationships that reveal His heart for us, encourage, strengthen, affirm, correct, refine, and help us step into destiny and calling. I looked around my life and I was doing copious amounts of giving and not much was flowing back. I am looking at the grand sum of connections, I do have some that are balanced. The unbalanced ones were mostly tied to church people. Before you insert, “You should give expecting nothing in return,” I want to challenge you with these thoughts.

  1. Charity is intended to be done with little to no expectation of reciprocation of relationship/connection.
  2. Charity is NOT the same as having a close friendship, partnership, or marriage.
  3. If every connection you have is you giving and no one ever reciprocates, you are not in a relationship. You are doing ministry/charity.
  4. Jesus offers us salvation and asks for our entire lives. It’s not a one sided relationship (though people paint it as such). He expects something in return. Jesus also ministered to the disciples AND asked them to stay up and pray for Him.

This next book, Relationships 101, I pray helps people to see where they may be missing out on God’s best in connections. I hope it helps people to forego being heartbroken. I believe there are things that need to be adjusted and refined in Christian teaching on relationships. I believe this because of the number of couples I see in soul healing sessions who are living in hell and told just to keep praying and God will magically fix everything. The truth is God gave us a brain and heart on purpose. We have things we need to do to have healthy relationships. One of them is to ask for wisdom. Another is to have proper boundaries. The last nugget I will leave you with is to ponder why you are spending time with the people around you and are you becoming more like Christ as a result?

My encouragement is make sure you are receiving God’s love for yourself and seeking to love yourself as God does. We cannot give away that which we do not possess. Love yourself! If you struggle with this concept, ask God for assistance. The relationship we have with ourselves sets the tone for all our connections. If we do not appropriately love ourselves, we will accept less that what God would offer us in relationships with others.

I hope you pick up the book when it’s released later this year and share with others! God longs for us to have life giving, not life draining connections.

Love,

Erin Lamb

Founder & CEO of Lamb Enterprises LLC and Operation God is Love (OGL

Why That Christian May Have Hurt You!

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Gosh, God loves us SOoooooooo much and loves us just as we are. He does not want to leave us as He found us. Part of growing up is becoming more like Jesus in love and character. We still have our uniqueness, we simply grow to look like we would have without the impact of the Fall. We came from God, and in Him there is no flaw.

Sometimes along the way hurts happen from Christians in process, Christians not abiding, immature or carnal Christians. There are two choices 1. Become bitter and cynical. 2. Become better and learn from the experiences.

Hope this post blesses someone and even heals hurts caused by people in process. I am so still on His Potter’s Wheel. The goal is not striving for perfection. The goal is continual intimacy with God and yielding to God to produce good fruit.

Perspective Shifts Can Heal Woundeness (Reflections from the next book)

Sometimes the person who harmed you is an infant or toddler spiritually and in their soul. If you watch babies/toddlers they can be quite “me focused.” They do not think about how their choices impact anyone else. They can be selfish, rude, throw tantrums, make messes, buck correction, get highly offended, pout, and be irresponsible.

Just because a person is 20, 30, 40, 50 or more does NOT mean their soul or spirit is developed into adulthood. They can be 75 and saved 60 years and still 3 in their spirit. Why? God does not force growth. God does not force relationship, abiding, and love.

We grow through relationship with God, intimacy with God, abiding in God, yielding to God, listening to God, studying the Bible with God, accepting correction from people and others (some people never repent or take ownership for their poor conduct-they make excuses or scream grace). We grow up by going through trials with God.

Our character is developed in hard seasons. We grow by having community. It is imperative to have some mature, godly people who walk in love and can speak into our lives. The lone toddler stays a toddler because their view of God is never challenged.

Some people stay in infancy because anything that makes them uncomfortable they get offended and leave. They will not stay anywhere long enough to grow. They look for the easiest road, easiest relationships, and seek out those who will tell them what they want to hear.

Sometimes a carnal or immature Christian will behave just like a person who does not know Jesus or worse. An unyielded person does NOT bear good fruit.

The person who hurt you may be an infant or toddler in their understanding, communication, and applications of what they think is God’s truth.

Understanding we are all in process and not everyone develops at the same rate can help heal so much. Sometimes in inner healing with people I ask God to show them the true age of the person who hurt them. Sometimes it’s a toddler looking back at them; confused and ill equipped to handle adult situations. Overcoming Church Hurt & Abuse, God willing, will be released next month.

If someone hurt you, it may have simply been a manifestation of their immaturity or carnality. It does not mean it’s right. It means we understand a toddler has a different mindset than an adult. Some people have never allowed God to grow them up or they were wounded themselves and did not seek healing. Immature Christians are insecure Christians. If they do not know their identity in Jesus, they can harm so many people in the name of God. People represent the God they know. Hence God inviting us into relationship not just going to a building once a week to listen to someone else talk about their relationship with God.

You are greatly loved! Lifting you up today. May the healing virtue of Jesus overwhelm you!

Love,

Erin

#books #soulhealing #GetYourSoulHealed #OvercomingChurchHurtandAbuseBook