
Looking back over my life, I’ve made decisions to love people far more than they’ve loved or demonstrated to me. This sacrificial, never demanding reciprocation type, love was applauded by Christians around me. What I learned was (overall) there were not as many people looking out for my best interests on a consistent basis, nor my well-being, my mental/emotional health, or even what I desired out of relationships.
The guidance was, “If you do all these sacrificial things for the church, community, or other people…God will take care of you. God will meet all your needs. Therefore, you should be proud that you invest so much of your self in others while expecting nothing in return.”
It sounds so lovely! Part is true; another part forsakes wisdom.
Love is not selfish. Love pursues the highest good for others. Love does what is honoring. The part that is missing is God is not requiring us to be friends with, date, or marry people who are consumers in our lives. The “God is so proud of you, yet ask nothing of me in return,” is a way for people to make sure they or their church/ministry are benefited with little to no requirements to do anything in return. The lie told is that “you are doing this for God so it’s what God wants for you.”
I have learned throughout my life plenty of people put God’s name on what benefits their best interests and desires. God desires you serve until you’re burned out, instead of God provides you with a brain and wisdom. Therefore, examine what is reasonable and do not over extend yourself. God desires you give as much money as you can to the church and God will repay you. Truth is that church or ministry desires your funds and only if you give with the right motives will it be credited to you. You are not to give under compulsion.
The truth is as follows: God actually desires that we are in healthy, reciprocal relationships that are life giving. God desires we are loved in return. In a friendship, dating, or marriage there should be some reciprocation, mutual investment, mutual respect and care.
There is a difference between ministry, charity, and a friendship. Ministry and charity involve serving in many capacities without receiving anything in return. A relationship is a partnership of two people who mutually invest, support, and give love. It’s not intended to be persistent one sidedness in dating, friendship, or marriage. Yes, there may be a season or seasons where people cannot reciprocate; they are sick, deployed somewhere else, or they cannot invest any time/love/support. It is abnormal to be connected in relationships with people who do nothing but receive (unless it is a baby/child).
What about God? Does He give to us expecting nothing in return. People say “God expects nothing.” In relationship with God, God asks for faithfulness, faith, love, loyalty, that we listen to sound guidance, to go through His Son, and for our entire lives. God loves everyone! God is NOT in a relationship with everyone. Jesus ministered to many people with deep love who never chose Him. They never reciprocated love. They never turned towards Him. And while people will tell you that those people are in a relationship with Jesus, God does not force connection. Jesus said, “whoever desires to be my disciple must deny themselves, pick up their cross and follow me.” Meaning, “I am requiring something of you to be in relationship with me.”
Though people say you cannot waste time, any love you give cannot and is not wasted, I disagree. I do believe if we love with pure intentions there is reward from God. I also believe we can waste our own time by dating the wrong people, befriending the wrong people, and marrying the wrong person. I have had copious client’s suffering through horrible relationships; they are stressed, burned out, and depressed.
I do not believe God ordains all these tumultuous relationships to teach people something or break them down so far they cry out for help. I think humans, myself included, choose people or allow people to choose us who are not for our greatest good. Once in the relationship there is a desire for God to bless it. Yes, there is one known relationship I’ve read of in the Bible where God encouraged a prophet to marry someone we would not consider marriage material. I don’t believe God is ordaining every dysfunctional relationship.
I hope my next book, Relationships 101, helps people to forgo wasting their time, energy, gifts, heart with people who will not properly steward those things. The plan is to launch the book later this year!
God wants the best, not sub par relationships for you!
Warmly,
Erin Lamb









